The Hogwarts Herpes Epidemic
by Raegan Marie
Summary: Self-explanatory. Just a little crack fic I whipped up, I think it's a lot of fun. Rated M for language and some adult content.


**Just some fun little crack I wrote. Dedicated to Jasmine, my Beta (BlueFlowerAlways) because she loves crack and it's her birthday! Love you!**

**Stephenie Meyer and JK Rowling own everything.**

Bella Swan is a 17 year old Squib. While all her friends are learning and socializing at Hogwarts, Bella is forced to stay at home with her awkward father and try to not go insane. So what does she do to pass the time? Why, go to Hogsmeade, of course! There's so much to do there, and when the students of Hogwarts take trips there, she is able to see her friends and finally feel…well, normal.

It was a cold January morning when Bella was getting ready to go into Hogsmeade. She slipped her hands into her warm, winter robes and put on her gloves when her father, Charlie, called out to her.

"Hey, Bells?"

"Yeah?"

"I'm going into work, Kingsley needs me early to track down some Death Eaters. Don't wait up for me, okay?"

"Sure, Dad," Bella sighed. "Be careful, please."

"Always am."

The slightly portly man with jet black hair stepped out of the house and proceeded to Apparate to the Ministry of Magic. Bella's father was an Auror for the Ministry, and she always worried for his safety, since his job required the dangerous business of dealing with Dark wizards. She had faith in her father, she thought as she pulled her hat onto her head, and walked out of her house into the cold air.

Silently cursing her Squib-ness, she walked up the hill where she found a large tin can. This was a regular Portkey, set up for her own usage, and it would leave in a minute. She ran up to it quickly, and was able to put a finger on it before it left. She felt the familiar jerking motion that tugged at her navel, and the colors and objects of her surroundings became blurred. All of a sudden, she landed quite ungracefully at Hogsmeade station. Looking around and confirming no one saw her, she stood up and brushed the light snow that had accumulated on her pants, and made her way to the center of town.

It was times like these when Bella wished she were a real witch. One that could do magic and was accepted. Her friends loved her, of course, but she was definitely missing out. With a sigh, Bella headed into the Three Broomsticks, which was perhaps her favorite place to be. Hermione and the rest of them had said they would meet her there at about 11, and it was closely approaching. She strained her ears for some sound that would indicate the carriages were pulling their way into Hogsmeade Station. Two butterbeers and 20 minutes later, Bella heard the carriages, followed by the sounds of several happy students making their way into town. Again she sighed, and ordered another butterbeer.

"Bella!" called a rather chipper and intelligent voice from the door.

"Hermione, it's so good to see you!" Bella expressed, though less enthusiastically than her good friend. The two girls had become friends when they fought over the same book on house-elves in Flourish & Blotts a few years ago. Ever since then, they were frequent correspondents and met each other as much as possible during the school year and summer.

Bella and Hermione hugged, and a crowd of people packed into the Three Broomsticks. There was, of course, Harry and Ron, the two best guy friends a girl could ask for. Hilarious, protective, and brave.

The usual bunch of Hogwarts students came in, Luna, Ginny, Neville, Cho, and a whole lot more. But there was someone that entered the pub that caught Bella's eye. Someone she had never seen before. He was extremely tall, and very, very, handsome. It was almost superhuman in the way he glided across the ground was intriguing. She caught a glimpse of his eyes, and they were this brilliantly radiant gray color, not something you'd expect from the color gray. But they were beautiful, and she seemed caught up in them, and felt this magnetic pull towards him that she couldn't explain. He was new and mysterious, and yet it seemed like she had seen him somewhere before. But where?…

"Hello?!" Hermione waved her hand in front of Bella's face. She had obviously been in a trance, completely unaware of her slack jaw.

"Ooooohhh you're looking at Cedric, aren't you?"

The god had a name.

"Cedric?"

"Yeah, he's the handsome guy you've been staring at for ten minutes. Cedric Diggory. He's a total athletic stud, great Quidditch player from what I've heard from Harry, and he could basically get any girl he wants, obviously."

Bella groaned internally. What would he want with a Squib like me?

"Of course, all the jocks are like that…" Bella trailed off, slightly annoyed.

"The thing is," Hermione started, "is that he seems to not even want it. He's popular and all, but he likes to keep to himself. He's kind of quiet, if you can imagine it. He seems to rather enjoy it when he's not surrounded by guys who want to be him, and girls who want to do him."

Bella gulped. She was definitely in that category. Even through his thick, winter robes she could see his defined shoulders, chiseled abs, sculpted, arms….

"Hey, snap out of it, will you?" Hermione had to get Bella out of her daydream for the second time today. What was this boy, one she had never even met, doing to her?

"Got the hots for Diggory, huh?" asked Ron in a joking tone.

"Oh, shhh! I don't even know him."

But Bella turned and continued to stare at the beautiful wizard. If only I could get someone like that to love me. To notice me, even. She put her heart-shaped face into her hands, and tried to nonchalantly gaze at the Adonis incarnate. He looked over at her briefly, and she saw something flicker in his eyes, though she couldn't pinpoint what it was exactly. She looked away quickly and blushed. She started to gulp down some buterbeer when it happened.

"Hello. I didn't get a chance to introduce myself. I'm Cedric Diggory."

Bella could have choked right then and there, but somehow she managed to swallow the warm liquid without spitting it across the room and all over the boy.

"Um, hi. I'm Bella Swan." She held her hand out to shake his, and when their skin met it was like a thousand bolts of electricity waving over her body.

"I haven't seen you around Hogwarts," stated Cedric.

Oh no. What was she supposed to say? The most gorgeous being she had ever met was basically asking where she was from, and all she had was: SQUIB. That was totally going to scare him off, but there was really nothing else for her to tell him, and Bella was a horrible liar anyway.

"I'm a Squib," Bella mumbled, almost inaudibly.

"I'm sorry? I didn't catch that."

"I'm…a Squib." Bella kept her eyes on her butterbeer glass. She looked up quickly and, to her surprise, didn't find a look of disgust on his face. What _was _there? She couldn't place it. She expected him to snort a bad joke or place his pity on her, but he didn't.

"Well I wish you went to Hogwarts. Maybe I'm being overly confident, but I felt this strange connection to you…almost like a magnet, really. We could have known each other for quite sometime," he stated, not at all like a jock. He continued in a shy sort of tone, "I'd really like to get to know you."

Bella blinked. Again. Again. Her mouth must have been at the floor, because she felt Harry's hand push it close, which made her realize how ridiculous she must have looked.

"Yeah. No, yeah I'd like to get to know you, too."

His face lit up in an amazing crooked smile, and she swore she had seen that smile before…

"Great! Would you like to, erm, take a walk?""Sure," Bella breathed. She waved goodbye to her friends and stepped into the crisp winter air.

They walked side by side, stealing awkward glances and subsequently blushing. It was Cedric who spoke first.

"So, tell me a little about yourself."

"Well, I've lived with my father all my life; he's an Auror. My mother died when I was three. I don't really remember her much, but Charlie - that's my dad - says she was an incredible woman."

"Oh, I'm very sorry to hear about your mother. I think my dad knows your dad. At least, I think I remember him mentioning a Charlie Swan. My father is Amos Diggory."

"Yeah, that sort of rings a bell."

There was a silence between them, as if they didn't know what to say. Each was curious to know about the other, but didn't know how to go about it. Again, Cedric was the first to speak.

"Do you, er, have a boyfriend?" Cedric said quietly.

Bella blushed and looked at her feet walking through the snow.

"No." And then it hit her: she knew why Cedric looked so familiar!

"You look really familiar, and now I know why!"

"Why?" he questioned.

"You look similar to this vampire I tried dating, Edward. You've got the same fuzzy eyebrows…"

"You dated a vampire?! What the bloody hell was _that _like?"

"It was okay. But after a while I got tired of his feeding, and he was just way too overbearing for me. I couldn't go anywhere without his protection." **(A/N: I'm just picking on Edward a little bit. I really don't think this, I love Edward with all my heart!)**

Cedric mumbled something about "I wouldn't do that," but Bella couldn't be sure if her ears were deceiving her.

They continued down the road until they reached the Hog's Head and decided that they had gone far enough. As they started to turn around to return to the Three Broomsticks, Bella slid on a thick sheet of ice. She was certain that in an instant she would fall on the ground and embarrass herself in front of this gorgeous new boy, but she felt herself drop into the safety of someone's arms. When she looked up, she was staring right into those beautiful gray eyes, inches away from Cedric's face.

It was an intense moment, and Bella swore she saw a longing in her savior's eyes. They flickered from her lips to her chocolate brown eyes and then back again. With Cedric kneeling in the snow and Bella in his arms princess style, he leaned into her face so very slowly, and she leaned back in. Their lips met in a short, chaste kiss, but it was filled with electricity and connection that it shocked Bella and she had to pull away. She could tell he felt it too by the way he was looking at her. His lips pulled up at the corners into a smile, and he picked her up and set her on her feet, stabilizing Bella's body. They stared into each other's eyes for a minute, then walked back to the friendly pub, side by side. Bella felt her small, delicate hand being woven with his big, strong one, and they continued down the road hand in hand.

They arrived at the Three Broomsticks and stopped in front. Neither of them wanted to leave but it was that time. Cedric turned to Bella with an anguished look on his face, as if it pained him to leave her. He cupped her cheek in his hand and brought her face level with his.

"Write to me. Please?" His voice was soft and loving.

"I will," Bella responded, almost breathless.

He leaned in and gave her a longer, yet still very chaste, kiss. It was a kiss that promised more to come, and sheer adoration. Bella left in a haze, leaving Cedric at the pub, staring after her longingly.

Cedric walked back in and knocked into several people before getting back to his table.

"Cedric?" called Hermione, "where's Bella?""Huh? Oh, she left."

"Without saying goodbye?! I have to go catch her!" Hermione exclaimed and then ran out.

Cedric sat with stars in his eyes as he ordered a butterbeer. He was so obviously in love. But across the room seethed a very jealous Harry, glaring daggers at Diggory. He had had a secret crush on Bella since they were introduced, and was so angry that, again, Cedric was getting the girl.

Harry made an impulsive decision and went straight for Diggory at his table.

"What are you playing at, _Ced_? Why must you always use girls then toss them aside when you're finished? You had Cho, then let her go when you were bored. Now Bella! I had your sloppy seconds with Cho, and I refuse to do it again!"

"What are you talking about? You've got it all wrong!" Cedric was so embarrassed and upset. He really didn't understand. Cho was a nice girl, but Bella, he felt, was truly the love of his life. Harry started casting spells at Cedric in an attempt to duel.

"Expelliarmus! My trademark spell! Muahahah!" Harry cackled.

They went back and forth until Professor McGonagall burst into the room and stopped the madness.

"Stop it! Potter, 20 points from Gryffindor, and 50 from Hufflepuff. And you will both be serving detention with me upon arrival to the school. My office."

"But Professor, why does Hufflepuff get more deducted than Gryffindor?" whined Cedric.

"Because, Mr. Diggory, Heads of Houses can never be impartial when handing out punishments. Besides, nobody cares about Hufflepuff." **(No flames, please! Again, it's just a joke)**

She turned on her heel and left the two standing with a crowd of people encircled around them. They were completely unaware of the mob that had formed.

Ron helped them along. "Get out of here! Nothing to see, get out of here!"

"Harry, let's go," said Hermione, and they left the Three Broomsticks and walked over to the carriages.

When Cedric and Harry were in detention, McGonagall stepped out for a moment, and Harry used this opportunity to confront Cedric.

"Why do you always get the girl? I took your sloppy seconds when you didn't want Cho anymore, and now the one girl I want you get. What the hell?!"

"I really like Bella. I don't want to just toss her aside after a good fuck."

"Yeah. Sure you don't."

There was a high pitched squeal from the next room that sounded a lot like 'Severus!' and a minute later McGonagall came back looking all flustered, her robes messy and her hat all askew.

"What happened, Professor?" asked Harry.

"Mmmmmmm" was the only response he got, and Harry decided he better not delve any farther into the matter.

Over the next few weeks, Bella and Cedric's relationship got more and more serious, their connection and electricity heightening with every touch. They began frequent hook-ups in Moaning Myrtle's bathroom (Bella was making frequent trips via carriage to the school). Myrtle rarely spent her time in there.

"Oh yes! Yes! Right there!" Bella screamed during one of her, erm…_sessions_ with Cedric.

"So hot, Bella," growled Cedric.

"Unnnhhhh harder, Edward!"

"What?" _Oh shit_, Bella thought.

"I said, 'Oh Cedric!'"

"No, it sounded like you said -"

"Oh, Cedric! Do me hard in the butt!"

"OKAY!" And he was successfully distracted.

Moving away from the couple and giving them a little privacy, Harry is in the Prefect bathroom, trying to get some, erm…_privacy_ after seeing Bella today. As he's just about to take advantage of that privacy, he notices something strange on his wee willy.

"Hey, it's not 'wee!' It's quite large!"

Not from where the narrator of this story is sitting…never mind! Back to the story…

"What the hell is this?" There were small pustules all over his dick, and they hurt like hell.

"No wonder my john was itchy…"

It seemed like all over Hogwarts there was something of the herpes nature going on. Two weeks later, Bella and Cedric were having a fight.

"Ced, Edward never had herpes, so I must have gotten it from you! Who knows how many people you've slept with!" Bella yelled.

"That's not the point! It has to be Edward! What kind is a virgin for all those years? No guy! That doesn't even make any sense!"

"He was, and you better believe it. I can't believe you gave me herpes!"

"It's not very good for me, either, it hurts like hell!"

"Good. I hope your little stints with those whores was worth the pain."

Bella turned on her heel and left the school, never to come back again. Cedric was crushed, devastated. It didn't matter who gave who what, he was still in love with her. But Cedric knew she wasn't coming back. He knew it.

Over the next month, herpes was spreading like wildfire. A huge portion of the students had it, and eventually the professors did, as well, which suggested some student-teacher nookie going on, and then some teacher-teacher nookie. *cough* McGonagall and Snape *cough*

A dark night in March found Dumbledore drinking fire whiskey in his study, reminiscing of the good times that had passed him in his many years. There was a knock at the door, and he slurred a barely recognizable, "come on in."

Cho Chang appeared in the doorway. "Hello, Professor," she said, "May I have a word?"

"Sure, sure! Come on in, Cho!" He called a little too loudly.

She sauntered up to his desk and pulled off her robes, revealing a lacy black bra and thong set.

"Goodness me!"

"You want some of this, Dumby?"

"But I'm -"

"NO TALKING!"

"Can we do it up the butt?"

"Sure thing, Professor."

A couple minutes later Dumbledore had Cho bent over at his desk, and he was humping away furiously, fire whiskey in hand. He finally had enough and reached his threshold, and he screamed.

"OH YEAH GRINDELWALD!"

Below him Cho was confused.

"Huh?"

He pulled out and proceeded to pass out in his bed, exhausted. He was over a hundred years old, after all.

He stayed this way for a week, fluttering between waking up and subsequently passing out again. Finally, Harry became worried, and went up to his office. He knocked and waited, but since there was no answer, he let himself in.

"Professor? Professor are you there?"

Harry found the man sprawled across his bed, naked. And on his wrinkly old penis, there was….

"HERPES!"

Hermione paced the common room floor, trying to find the main connection between all the herpes that had recently been spread.

"Dumbledore's case is a new great lead, we just need to find out who he slept with last…"

Ron jumped straight up.

"Cho was drunk the other night! She said she screwed Dumbledore!"

"Ron, that's highly improbable."

"No, I'm serious. Let's go check it out!"

Sure enough Luna confirmed that Cho had indeed slept with Dumbledore, as the nargles told her so. Plus she was passed out in her dormitory with a bottle of fire whiskey and sores all over her vagina. Yeah, ew.

Harry put out an announcement, summoning everyone into the Great Hall.

"Quiet down, everyone! Quiet!" The Hall fell silent in anticipation of Harry's proclamation.

"I know who started the herpes epidemic!"

There was a flutter of talking, people whispering and turning heads to talk to others.

"It was Cho Chang!" And he pointed to the whore sitting in the corner.

"She is the common factor in all of your sexual encounters! Blame the whore!"

And, of course, a riot broke out. There were torches and pitchforks and picket signs and 'I Hate Cho' chants coming from everywhere.

Eventually the giant mob got to Cho. They decided hanging was too cruel, so they threw her in the Black Lake to spend an eternity watching the Giant Squid make sweet, sweet love to Dobby, while the mermaids touched themselves impurely at the sight of it.


End file.
